how connection developsWhiffen and colleagues’ 2007 study used questionnaires from 115 heterosexual couples. Concealed anger beneath apparent agreement, and self-judgment through others’ standards, statistically accounted for the conflict–depressive-symptom association in women and men. Once both were considered, conflict no longer had a statistically significant direct link with symptoms.
For the question of how we live together, having a say involves more than being able to answer a request. It includes being able to put something on the agenda ourselves. We may agree to a plan and enjoy it, while another wish has never become part of the conversation. That wish could concern time alone together, a responsibility we would like to share differently, or something we want to pursue.
What belongs in a shared decision
A relationship can contain affection and an arrangement someone would like to change. Wanting a different division of work does not cancel appreciation for what a partner already does. Wanting more time together does not require finding fault with everyone else we enjoy seeing. We can describe the particular change we want while recognizing what we value in the life we share.
This gives us something more specific to discuss than whether one person is sufficiently grateful, generous or easy to live with. A request about an evening can remain a request about an evening. It need not become a judgment about the kind of partner someone is.
There are also two different situations to understand. A preference that has never been expressed may be unknown to the other person. A preference that has been explained and repeatedly dismissed is already known. In the first situation, a conversation could provide new information. In the second, the question concerns what happens to information both people already have.
What we choose to give
Simply holding back or putting a partner first did not explain the study’s conflict–symptom link. Men reported more of these tendencies. Women reported more external self-judgment and depressive symptoms.
In our own lives, caring for someone can include accepting inconvenience. We can want an early night and also want to help a partner prepare for an important morning. Both wishes can be real. Choosing to stay up does not require pretending that we are rested, and admitting that we are tired does not withdraw the care.
The same distinction applies to a continuing commitment. We may value what we have agreed to do and want to reconsider how it is shared. A commitment is something we participate in, with capacities and circumstances that can change. Discussing its demands gives both people a chance to consider how it can continue.
Making room for two responses
Conflict in this study included verbal and physical aggression. The participants were mostly white and educated. The survey measured symptoms, not diagnoses. The one-time survey established no causal order.
A wish for greater honesty therefore needs attention to the circumstances in which someone would be speaking. Where speaking carries a threat of harm, the immediate question concerns safety and support. An invitation to be more open should leave room for that reality.
In a conversation both people can take part in, hearing a request also leaves room for an answer. Someone may understand why we want to move and still want to stay. They may appreciate an ambition and be unable to take on the work it would require of them. Those responses give us information about what each person can agree to.
We can consider a request without committing to it. We can explain a concern without requiring someone else to withdraw theirs. What becomes available is a decision made with both accounts present, including the places where they differ.
Sources
Whiffen, V. E., Foot, M. L., & Thompson, J. M. (2007). Self-silencing mediates the link between marital conflict and depression. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(6), 993–1006.