how connection developsPeople respond to the feelings they perceive in a conversation. Those feelings can differ from what the other person meant to express. In their 1985 study, Lisa Gaelick and her colleagues examined this distinction in couples discussing a relationship problem.
The researchers videotaped 29 married or cohabiting couples. Later, partners identified important moments and rated the feelings they had intended to communicate and their reactions to what their partner had said. This let the researchers compare an intended emotional message with its reception.
Partners attempted to return both the positive and negative feelings they perceived. However, they understood negative intentions more accurately than positive ones. Negative feelings were consequently reciprocated, while positive intentions did not reliably produce a matching response. Someone could intend to express love without their partner recognizing that intention.
The distinction gives emotional communication two parts worth attending to. There is the care a person means to express and the care another person experiences. Understanding an exchange involves considering both.
Sources
Gaelick, L., Bodenhausen, G. V., & Wyer, R. S., Jr. (1985). Emotional communication in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49(5), 1246–1265.