how connection developsWhat would you enjoy having on the calendar with a friend?
A regular plan gives you something to look forward to together. It also gives friendship a place among the appointments and responsibilities that already have a claim on your time. On The Mel Robbins Podcast, Kasley Killam, author of The Art and Science of Connection, discusses how adult friendships develop and endure.
The kind of company you enjoy
Killam’s approach to social health begins with two considerations, how much contact you have and how satisfying it feels. In her written account of four strategies, she uses exercise as a comparison. Stretching means widening your opportunities to meet people or spend time together. Resting allows room for solitude or for concentrating on the relationships you already value. Toning means deepening existing relationships. Flexing means enjoying and continuing the connections that are going well. She also explains the framework in the interview (9:56).
These are different responses to different circumstances. If your week is full of encounters but you rarely have a personal conversation, getting to know someone better may matter more than adding another gathering. If you already have friendships you enjoy, giving them continued attention is a worthwhile direction in itself. The framework includes both seeking company and allowing time to yourself.
Her four social styles describe butterflies who enjoy frequent casual contact, wallflowers who prefer selective, infrequent contact, fireflies who enjoy occasional deeper connection, and evergreens who enjoy frequent depth (59:40). These can be conversation starters about preferences.
Giving a new friendship time
Killam recommends recurring activities that you enjoy and that allow conversation (54:22).
Research by communication scholar Jeffrey Hall helps explain the importance of that time. In one study, adults who had recently moved described a new relationship and estimated their time together. Greater closeness was associated with more shared time, particularly leisure such as hanging out or playing games. Hours spent working or attending class together did not have the same relationship with closeness. Being in the same place and choosing to enjoy each other’s company were meaningfully different.
A second study followed new university students over nine weeks. Students who spent more time with a new acquaintance tended to become closer, even after accounting for how close they had previously been. Conversations involving catching up, playfulness, affection and personal involvement also predicted increasing closeness. The studies relied on people’s reports and did not establish a guaranteed timetable for friendship. Their useful contribution is the distinction between accumulating contact and spending time in ways that let a relationship develop.
For a friendship beginning at work, that might mean an invitation to do something you both enjoy outside work. The invitation gives each of you a choice about continuing the acquaintance and a chance to discover what you like doing together.
A place for friendship in everyday life
Killam’s 5-3-1 guideline proposes five different people each week, three close relationships and an hour of connection daily, accumulated across encounters, including calls (56:16). It is her practical framework, not an established universal minimum.
For distance, Killam suggests brief messages, recurring calls and visits when possible (1:03:23). Her own monthly video call with a close friend removes the repeated work of scheduling.
A recurring plan can be modest enough to keep and flexible enough to change. A lunch may suit one period of your lives, a shorter call another. Killam describes mutual support across a friendship, with room for one person to need more during a difficult period (1:09:09).
Sources
Mel Robbins. (2026, May 7). It’s Not Just You: The Reality of Adult Friendship in 2026. Interview with Kasley Killam, episode 393. Publisher’s transcript.
Killam, K. (2024, June 20). 4 Ways to Optimize Your Social Health. Psychology Today.
Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296. First published online March 15, 2018.