how connection developsWho would you like to spend time with beyond the setting where you usually meet?
Adam Grant had never invited Trevor Noah to a game night. They saw each other at conferences and events, shared an interest in teaching and entertaining, and enjoyed talking. Grant understood their relationship mostly through what they did together professionally. Noah thought of Grant primarily as a friend. When they compare their impressions in What Now? with Trevor Noah, they discover that the invitation Grant had never made would have been welcome (48:46).
They already enjoy each other. What changes is their understanding of what else they might enjoy together.
Grant joins Noah and Eugene to discuss his new book, Vibe: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World. Part of his interest comes from his own experience as a shy introvert. He describes feeling comfortable and connected in one conversation, then awkward in the next. That variation made him curious about what happens between people, and what we can learn to do differently (18:12).
The different things we share
Grant proposes three ways of understanding a connection. Allies share goals. Pals share interests and enjoyment. Companions share values and offer care. These describe what people experience together, which can tell us more than knowing whether they met at work, grew up in the same family, or went to school together (33:35).
An ally is someone with whom you can accomplish something. Grant includes colleagues, people starting a company, volunteers, and people participating in a charity race. You may bring different skills or perspectives to a shared goal. Someone who notices what you overlook can be a valuable collaborator precisely because you approach the work differently.
A pal is someone whose company you enjoy. You might share a taste in films, games, music, or humor. The pleasure of being together is part of the relationship itself. Companionship emphasizes emotional support, including the care you offer when life becomes difficult. You may have a wonderful time with someone without yet knowing whether you could turn to each other in a vulnerable moment.
These qualities can overlap. Grant makes clear that one person can be an ally, a pal, and a companion. You might enjoy working with someone, discover that you also like spending time together, and gradually come to rely on each other. His framework gives us a way to notice the different parts of a relationship without assuming that every connection has to provide all of them.
Understanding what is already there
At 38:45, Grant describes how expectations can become mismatched. One person sees a promising collaborator. The other enjoys a casual friendship. One expects emotional support. The other has understood their time together as an opportunity to have fun. The same relationship can mean different things to the people in it.
Grant recalls realizing that someone he had expected to be dependable in other ways was a person he particularly enjoyed in a group. Recognizing that allowed him to appreciate the relationship they actually had. You can value the laughter you share with someone while looking elsewhere for the kind of support that has not developed between you.
Noah also questions how rigid these categories could become. He and Eugene did not immediately become close friends when they met through comedy. Their relationship developed through working together and sharing experiences, eventually including friendship and companionship (1:19:00). That history leaves room for both understanding and discovery. What a relationship offers today does not settle everything it could become.
Making an interest easier to recognize
Grant tells a story about a shy person he encountered at events. Their earlier conversation had been stiff and focused on business. At a later gathering, the person brought a chessboard. Grant recognized an invitation to play, challenged him to a game, and spent more than an hour laughing with him (59:26).
The chessboard gave them something specific to do together. It also made an interest visible. The discussion turns to Comic-Con, where a costume can show other people which character or fictional world someone enjoys (1:00:09). You can recognize something you share before either of you has worked out how to start a conversation.
For people who bring others together, those details are useful. An activity, an object, or a visible interest can give someone a way into an interaction. The opening does not have to depend entirely on approaching a stranger and finding something to say.
Curiosity that belongs to the conversation
Noah raises a concern about advice on becoming more charismatic. A person can learn the recommended questions so thoroughly that talking with them begins to feel rehearsed. Grant recognizes the problem. He once replaced the familiar question about what someone does for work with a question about what they love doing. The first conversation was engaging. Repeating the same opening later felt mechanical to him (28:26).
His response is to understand what a question makes possible and find your own way to ask it. If you are interested in spending enjoyable time together, you can be curious about what the other person enjoys. If you might collaborate, you can explore a goal they are pursuing or a problem they are working on. The direction comes from your interest in the person and the interaction, with room for their answer to change where the conversation goes (1:13:40).
Changing what time together looks like
Later, Noah asks what Grant would say to a student who attends parties and spends time around people but continues to feel lonely. Grant suggests changing the routines through which they meet. A party may offer enjoyment while leaving little room for the kind of conversation or cooperation that person wants (1:22:29).
One example is an admin night, where friends bring the paperwork and practical tasks they have been putting off and work on them together. Grant describes the combination of assistance and company. Noah and Eugene recall completing paperwork for a lease together. Discussing the task beforehand had felt lengthy and difficult. Sitting down together helped them finish it, leaving time to enjoy afterward (1:24:01).
This makes more forms of time together available. There may be room for company inside something you already need to do. The activity provides a reason to meet, and helping each other can become part of the experience.
For meeting new people, Grant distinguishes beginning with a conversation from beginning with an activity. He suggests identifying something you already want to do and finding a place where other people do it too, such as a pottery class or a club (1:26:01). A shared interest gives you something to explore while you find out whether you enjoy each other's company. You can participate in the activity without needing to know in advance who might become important to you.
Giving a relationship continued attention
Grant also considers what happens after an easy beginning. In his view, an immediate sense of connection can lead people to assume the relationship will continue without much attention. They may stop arranging time together or avoid a difficult conversation because the relationship once felt effortless (1:30:01). Understanding that pattern gives a change in the relationship another possible meaning. It may be time to talk about how you are getting along or how you want to spend time together.
One research example he discusses uses films to help couples reflect on their own relationships (1:39:21). In Ronald Rogge and colleagues' study, engaged and newlywed couples attended an introductory session, watched a film, and discussed its relationship themes. They continued with a weekly film and guided discussion for a month, connecting the stories to their own relationships.
The researchers did not detect a difference in three-year separation or divorce rates between this program and two more intensive programs teaching relationship skills. This was a structured reflection program for couples early in marriage. The discussions gave partners regular opportunities to consider how they treated each other.
Grant interprets the exercise through his three forms of connection. Partners can enjoy watching a film, work together to understand the characters, and use that conversation to discuss something personal. That is his proposed explanation, rather than a mechanism established by the study (1:40:45).
A story gives you something outside your own relationship to consider together. You can notice a character's response, hear how your partner understands it, and discover something about an experience you share.
Sources
Trevor Noah and What Now? with Trevor Noah. (2026, October 15). Adam Grant: How to Stop Feeling Lonely. YouTube interview, 2 hours 22 minutes 31 seconds.
Grant, A. (2026). Vibe: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World. Viking. Publisher details.
Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress and dissolution? A 3-year experimental study of three interventions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(6), 949–961. DOI 10.1037/a0034209.